racing against reality

It keeps coming back. Again and again. Just when I thought I was rid of that cycle of these things repeating themselves time and again, I realise it was wishful thinking.

Why does it happen this way? Each time I pick myself up and tell myself it's over and the worse has happened and now everything is for the better, I find myself back at square one. Trying to mend the broken pieces and pick up the shards of my life again and attempt to piece them back.

I walked today. Unbelievable. From Yishun Library back home. Never believed I would. Usually just dump myself in the cab because the wait for the bus is too troublesome or the walk to Yishun station seems far! And I walked home. Through that "uluated" stretch of jungle past the temple, through that eerie darkness, through that route where the only people you meet are the workers from the shipyard cycling home. Not to mention, with two extremely heavy bags, one on each shoulder. And I didnt even seem to feel the strain. No, Im not stronger and I havent been working out. I guess, sometimes your emotional state of mind is more powerful than we give it credit for. I would have continued to Sembawang Park, but I was in a skirt with two bags of books with me. Sometimes I amaze myself...

Was so hungry an hour back. Somehow it all disappeared. Skipped my dinner. Just gonna turn in for the night in a bit. And Im having a splitting headache. Stupid pain's been bugging me since 7pm and the noisy kids weren't helping today either.

I need to occupy myself tomorrow. I need a break. Something. If all else fails, I would probably go to Yishun Primary for the parents' dance and help polish them up a bit. So annoying that I get off when everyone else works and then I work weekends.

I think I really need to go on that cruise. *fingers crossed*

I wish I knew why it seems like I committed a sin for which there is no second chance or why Im made to feel like it was something I can never be pardoned for.. But it's something I will never be able to forget.