Sunday, August 26, 2007

Pre Onam

It's Onam tomorrow..

I'm already exhausted.. Baking, clearing, dance, work, tuition and all together is a bit too much.. Plus a constant lack of sleep the past few nights... Haha.. I think I'm zombified..

Went for Venket's 21st yesterday.. Had fun, although we were traumatised by the games and the possibility of being called up for the musical chairs.. ( Sai and I came up with a master plan to avoid being picked, right Vic? You got to admit, that was a genius plan till you tried to ruin it for us.. haha) Met Mr. Thiru after a long time and it felt good seeing the affection he still has for us.. The way he has always been a father figure to us throughout, watching out for us, cooking for us, feeding us when we are hungry, making 'thayiru saadham' for us all, talking to us, remembering things important to us, always asking us about our lives and stuff.. Although he never taught me before, he has been such a vital part of my JC days.. The speech he gave yesterday also was so sweet, so like him.. And his appearance on the dance floor... I never expected that.. :) He will always remain a friend, a teacher and a father figure to us all...

Went for Jith Mama's house warming this afternoon and I must say wonders never cease.. Yet another coincidence with regards to Vimal.. Considering the ones that we've already established are just weird occurrences, such as the photo he happens to have with my face, the way he found me on friendster, the fact that we get along pretty well, the way we happen to very easily bump into each other, the way I end up working at a building next to his and we share the same canteen for lunch and now this-the fact that the house is very close to his place.. The world is too small, I say... Too small.. Haha.. Anyway met the whole family again today after some time.. It's nice when we all get to meet together with nobody missing, especially when Sandeep Chetta is around.. Things are always more lively then and more playful.. :)

Was counting on a certain event taking place on Saturday to make certain decisions in my life, one of the particularly with regards to Onam, but somehow the event did not occur and I guess perhaps it's a sign showing me the path I should take and I guess I can handle it slowly, although it's not easy and stuff.. At least I can go my way knowing that I did my part and I have no regrets and no possibility of blaming myself, I hope.. I'm ok.. And I think I know what I should do now..Wait..

Anyway tomorrow is gonna be one looong day.. Took the day off work but my day will start pretty early with Sasi comin over at 10.30am.. Poor girl can only make it then cuz of work but it will be fun.. Haven't seen that girl in ages... Haven't seen many of the others in ages either.. Vjay, especially.. A bit too long ago since I met him.. :) Ok.. It's getting pretty late.. Haven't cleared my room yet and that's gonna take a miracle to complete, considering the fact that I have to manage cleaning in darkness with my grandma already asleep on the bed.. Haha.. Will update tomorrow if possible..

Friday, August 17, 2007

Dedication To The Most Important Man In My Life

God took the strength of a mountain,
The majesty of a tree,
The warmth of a summer sun,
The calm of a quiet sea,
The generous soul of nature,
The comforting arm of night,
The wisdom of the ages,
The power of the eagle's flight,
The joy of a morning in spring,
The faith of a mustard seed,
The patience of eternity,
The depth of a family need,
Then God combined these qualities,
When there was nothing more to add,
He knew His masterpiece was complete,
And so,

He called it ... Dad

We may not shower him with praise
Nor mention his name in song,
And sometimes it seems that we forget
The joy he spreads as he goes along,
Bu tit doesn’t mean that we don’t know
The wonderful role that he has had.
And away down deep in every heart
There’s a place that is just for Dad.

17th August 2007.. Five years ago on this very date, I lost someone really special, really close to my heart. Someone I never really showed my appreciation towards and in fact took for granted that he would always be around.. Someone I saw standing by me throughout the years, ready to support me with my decisions as well as ready to scold me when i make a mistake..It seemed normal, seemed constant, till that one particular night.. Even now, it's so clear in my mind, my mum's words as she shook me out of my sleep, "Rashmi, wake up.. Something seems wrong with Acha" I dashed out and knew the instant I spotted him lying on the bed, that it was over..

That's when reality sinks in.. When it's too late.. That's when all the regrets start coming in and you start telling yourself 'if only I had done this and that'.. But it's too late.. Which is why I'm so scared now of losing people I care about.. Why I get emotional if I sense something may cause me to lose someone dear to me.. Cuz I'm so afraid of not letting them know what they mean to me, before it's too late.. Like what happened with my Dad.. I never told him thank you, never let him know how much I appreciated what he did, never acknowledged his silent but strong support towards my decisions..

Acha, thank you so much...

Thank you for always watching out for me.. For always believing in me... For waiting outside my school bus stop for 4 hours cuz you were worried I was short of cash and couldn't contact me.. For waking up at 3 in the morning to prepare and pack chicken curry for my school bazaar and then waking me up so that I don't lose sleep.. For staying up with me when I had to study so that I wouldn't feel lonely.. For treating all my friends so nicely and playing around with them.. For ironing my pinafore for me on days I was so lazy to do it..For showing me how to make a catapult.. For sitting with me and Rethish on the porch in India and showing us how to catch birds with simple tools like a basket and some string.. For holding the calf for me when I was too afraid to go near it..For complaining that I finish my money too quickly yet creeping into my room every morning to make sure I have enough cash on me.. For following me to school when I was in Newton Elementary and attending the Father's Day party we all did for the Dads and for making the insect cage out of the milk carton with me.. For always coming back early on days I have performances and taking care of all the little details in dressing me up, from hair to costumes.. For attending every one of my performances and watching me with a smile on your face.. For claiming that my cooking was really good to make sure I don't feel discouraged although I could see the rest not liking it very much..For buying me the white outfit off the rack just cuz I said I liked it..For helping me fight for my rights when I'm given an unreasonable curfew.. For always buying something home for dinner when you sense that we don't really fancy the food at home.. For making me feel like a princess..For being one of the most generous souls I have ever met.. For giving without any expectations.. For putting aside your dreams to let me do what I want.. For encouraging me in everything I did.. For being the bestest Father ever.. Thank You..

I know I have never shown my appraciation or let you know how I felt.. Other regrets for which I owe you a huge apology and explanation still remain but all I can do is carry it with me and hope that you understand why things had to happen that way and how 'stuck' I was and that i had no alternative.. Nobody else can understand and I have never spoken to anyone else about these things and I suppose this guilt will always remain with me.. But I just want you to know that no matter how many times I may have seemed not to care, or never really spent time talking or sharing my life with you, you have no idea how much I wish each day that you were here with me, by my side, every step of the way.. Although you're not her physically, somehow I know you'll always be around, watching over us throughout all the decisions we make.. I love you, Acha..

Thursday, August 16, 2007

My Happy Day

Yesterday was really nice.. Been so long since I met up with Vic and Selva, especially Selva that the time together yesterday was so special.. first of all, he cut his hair and he looked sooooo cute with the short hair and the way in which he was sitting on the stairs at Far East licking his ice cream.. It was such a pity that the guy at the shop didn't play with him for long before handing him the ice cream.. Compared to the embarrassments we have all had with the ice cream, his was a breeze.. Unfortunately.. :) Then thanks to Rethish, we had to walk all over looking for a braiding studio cuz the ding wwanted to braid his hair. When we finally found it, we could have killed him cuz his hair length was way way shorter than required and we had all wasted our time and intelligence *ahem* in locating the shop..

Had lunch at Pizza Hut at Lucky Plaza, thanks to Selva's voucher and Vic was so enthusiatically serving us, more like stuffing us with the pizza and Selva's 'complicated fries'. Haha..It was really fun, back to the old times where we used to hang out like this and crap.. Even sitting at Mac and waiting for Vimal to turn up and the movie to start also reminded me of how we used to hang out at the canteen benches in school stoning or having our regular chicken rice and milo.. Im so glad we met yesterday.. Guys, lets try to make the zoo thing happen k? And Selva, I still can't belive you actually fell for the nonsense that I was engaged and could actually think that that weird ring was my engagement ring.. Oh God! Vic and me.. As usual the photo cannot make it.. Haha.. But this is after a loooong time... :)
The three of us... Again, after a long time... :)

Disturbia was good.. It was pretty entertaining .. Although it was a simple plot and a rather predictable story with no unexpected twists and stuff, it was a good movie and I'm glad we caught it.. However, Toa Payoh Cineplex is pretty useless.. Haha.. Right, Vic? *winkz*

It's so sweet that you care.. That you show your concern in small ways.. I guess that just makes you more dear to me. You don't have to worry cuz I'll be fine, after a while.. Time should offer a solution and know that whatever it is, i want the best for you too..

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Heart VS Mind

I don't know what I have done.. Whether the consequences of my actions are going to leave me with regrets later or whether it's for the better.. I made a decision now based on fear, fear of the unknown, fear of the possibility of a negative outcome. But is it the right thing? The heart and the mind refuse to agree on the same thing.. The heart just refuses to agree with the mind and i feel lost.. Feel like someone just shook all the air out of me.. It's only been a while but I feel like I lost something I shouldn't have..

There are 2 possible outcomes, true... But why am I so certain it's going to be the negative one? Cuz it's my luck we are talking about.. My luck is so bad that if I were to buy a cemetery, people might actually stop dying! Things always seem to turn out different from what I want. Which is why I'm afraid.. Really afraid.. Time is not my concern.. The outcome is.. I have lost many dear to me and I hate the feeling of such loss.. I don't think I can cope with that, especially after a much longer period. As it is, I feel it now.. I cannot imagine the feeling after giving it a lot more time..

It's not that I don't understand you.. I do.. Perfectly well.. I wanted nothing more than to let you see I really wanted that.. But circumstances are against everything and I cannot adapt to drastic changes.. Not suddenly.. I feel like I may be making a huge mistake... But I'm stuck.. Fairytales do sometimes come to an end.. Not every fairy tale can have a happily ever after I suppose.. At least this doesn't seem to... Although there were some tears and some emotions involved, you made my day with one line.. ' There was only once I changed my mind.. And that was............ ' The rest need not be mentioned.. I rather keep it as a pleasant memory for myself..

I don't know where this path will lead me to.. But I'm not eager to move anywhere.. I'm not looking for anything and I just want to think.. To be alone for a bit.. To clear my thoughts....

Monday, August 13, 2007

KL and Back

Finally I'm back... Feels like i've been away for eons.. I have never been happier being back home.. That was the most disappointing trip ever.. Saw a side of certain people that I never knew existed.. Saw how people can go to extremes to curry favour other people.. Saw how different people can be in different situations.. And nope, it's not just me.. The others felt it too and that was why we all sat down and prayed for rain on the night of the show and we all backed out of the performance the following day.. Cuz we had been hurt so badly.. The only good thing that happened was the times we spent together in the hotel, the photos we took in our most 'unglamorous' moments, the photo in the cupboard which broke the cupboard and had Padmini and Vimala fall flat laughing.. haha.. Also the times sitting down in Ramli Ibrahim's balcony in our full costume staring at the laser lighting in the sky and making stupid comments with Sivhanyaa that had us all holding our sides in laughter.. Running away afrom the annoying 5 dogs and 2 cats that were let loose in his house.. These are memories with the girls i would always cherish but the ugly side of things are better forgotten and all I can say is I'm glad we are back.. Pravitha, Sivhanyaa, Padmini, Kasturi, Vimala and Hari.. You guys made this trip worthwhile and whatever else happened, at least we have our memories to look back on and be glad that no matter what screw ups we faced, we stuck together and were there together .. :) *hugz*

After the performance I was practically dragged back to Velliacha's place cuz the taxi driver couldn't wait and so there I was, in the full splendour of the costume, without even time to remove my anklets, travelling to his house.. But I thought it was fine cuz it was like almost midnight and there wouldnt be anybody waiting up.. But no, I was in for a shock.. We pulled up to the house only to see Chechi's in-laws, Naveen Chetta, Pravind Chetta, Ranju Chechi and the uncles and aunties all sitting down and having a barbeque.. I was praying the Earth would just open up and swallow me there and then.. Oh my God!! That was utterly embarrassing and they made me snap pictures with them in that stupid green ugly costume.. Aaargh!!!!

Met little Rohit the next day.. Soooo cute.. He is my nephew but he made my day by calling me 'Chechi' and refusing to call me 'Cheriyamma'.. :) It's always really adorable when little kids are just learning how to talk and they get their words mixed up and tend to use actions to explain themselves.. We had lunch at some seafood restaurant cuz Velliacha was so insistent that he wants to take me out somewhere.. then went visiting at a few houses before heading to The Curve for some quick shopping, although we didn't have much time.. And the highlight of the whole evening was Sandhya Chechi and Naveen Chetta getting Velliacha to make sure I got permission to go clubbing with them.. He made sure my grandma and mum didnt have any means of contacting me so that I would be able to have some time out alone without them always checkin on my whereabouts.. And we left. They both knew i'd be uncomfortable clubbing so that was more of an excuse to get me out alone without anyone else tagging as they knew I was suffocating and needed to talk to them both about certain issues.. Issues that i didn't know who else to talk to about.. So we drove down to Waikiki, a small club nearby and got a drink each and just stood in a corner talking and just watching people come in and out.. When it started getting a bit too cramped we drove down to a coffee house and resumed our conversation there.. It was nice to see how they both cared so much for my welfare, how they both wanted the best for me, even Naveen Chetta whom I have never spoken to before this.. Guys, I love you both.. Muakz!

After all the advice and talking and all, we finally went home and hit the bed only to wake up to Rohit again the following day.. Haha.. and then we came back.. Finally.. And I must say, never have I been more relieved to be in my room :)

Sunday, August 5, 2007

Dance

Dance was unbelievably tiring today. I'm glad I'm finally sitting down at home. Managed to complete the kids' dance today but they got to practise a whole lot more and i think I'm beginning to really adore some of them, the way they hop and smile and sway and attempt to do it the way you do. So cute! Nimbooda is also not perfected yet.. Thiruvathira is done.. Meharube is still under construction.. and tomorrow I have to get to rehearsal after work by seven for Dheem Thana and Aanam Thaanam.. Haiz.. I just can't wait for the trip to be over..

Had a long talk today with a dear friend of mine who made me realise a lot of things.. Who made me think.. Who helped me realise that guys are so different from females.. The way they think, the way the see things, the way their minds work, the way they handle emotions.. Told her how I had been feeling so confused and stressed with life and how I feel like getting away and how I don't know what to do and why I've been stuck for some time.. Made me recollect a lot from the past.. How I never knew till it was too late, how I wanted so much to have the perfect fairytale.. What led up to these desires for a perfect blissful future.. Why it means so much.. Why I've been clingy and dependent and why i fall so hard often.. There has always been a reason but nobody seems to have gotten so close to me as to find out accurately what's been affecting me or why I get to be that way.. Oh well..

Darling, don't think about stuf so much k? I could feel my heart breaking each time I noticed your eyes filling.. Take it easy, sweetheart.. All will be well, ok? Trust me.. :) Right now I wish I could do something to take away your pain but I really cannot do anythin but wait with you..

Saturday, August 4, 2007

I like...

TGIF

It's so nice to know that it's Friday!!!

I am extremely sleepy.. Just got home.. Today was unbelievably tiring.. Somehow I was already tired out at work.. And I had to make a million trips between the buildings, then aunty and her friends decided to go to the temple during lunch break to pray and maybe have lunch there.. Our luck - the food was finished by the time we reached and they were closing the temple. So we couldn't do much. Ended up having lunch at changi village and then dragged ourselves back to work.. After work went to aunt's house.. Hung out there and then went to Uncle's place where we all slacked around sharing dating experiences and teasing each other.. It's always interesting and nice when the Malaysian cousins arrive in a big group.. It happens rarely but when it does, it feels so good seeing them again after long.. Baby Nikkita was there as well, looking so adorably cute.. Pramodh Chetta and Sandhya Chechi might be with me tomorrow.. Not sure about Chetta but Chechi will definitely drag me all across Bugis tomorrow.. I'm hoping I last it out.. Manoj Chetta was insistent I take her to Vivo.. That makes three times in 7 days.. Haiz..


I'm actually scared of the trip now cuz it seems to be putting the teacher in so much of stress that he takes it out on us eventually and you start wishing you had backed out of it at the beginning itself.. haiz.. I'm just so tired of the running around.. Ok I shouldn't complain.. I know someone who must be more caught up with work.. I know you probably don't even have time for yourslef but take it easy, alright.. Don't neglect yourself in the process.. Take a break if possible.. :)

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Midweek

It's finally midweek! Yay!! Exactly a week more and I'm off work.. But then again, exactly a week from now and my headache will start with all the dances one shot.. After coming back from KL, it will be full swing.. Thinking about it already makes me tired.. Haha..

Yesterday was Midhun's birthday and we were completely lost on a gift idea for him and eventually had to resort to getting that really nice box of chocolates rethish and I spotted at Vivo last week.. Expensive but so nice and i'm sure he'd like it.. Just that I would probably cry if I see him eating them in front of me.. Haha.. Thank God the chocolates were available.. It was the last box on the shelf and I was so thankful I managed to get it, otherwise all the mad rush to Vivo would have been pointless.. I was dead beat and famished when I got home.. Had dance class at 8pm and he ended about 9.15pm.. I couldn't even walk after his intensive class yesterday and then had to rush and change and try to look a bit more presentable before going all the way to Harbour Front and coming home all the way.. That was extremely tiring.. Speaking of dance class, I need to get Uncle Ben something as well as a small token of my appreciation for so sweetly driving me to class every Tuesday.. :)

I finally finished Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.. Oh my God! I love the book!! And I really am curious how they are going to make a movie out of this.. It's bursting with details and events that cannot be removed from the plot as they all have a link to the plot..Everyone seemed to play some vital part in comparison to previous books.. All the Weasley kids play a part that's pretty significant, even Fleur comes in.. There were also introductions to so many new characters such as Griphook, Aunt Muriel, Aberforth, Ariana, Ignotus, Grindelwald, Gregorovitch and so on.. Not only was this book entertaining because of the wizards and witches, but also due to the inclusion of goblins, elves and other creatures as well.. Which is why it's pretty difficult imagining a movie made out of this.. :) The search for the Horcruxes and the battle between the death eaters and the rest was so engaging and I was so surprised by the twist that came about with Snape.. That was completely unexpected and it's such a pity that the series has ended.. Haiz..

I wish I could stop being so shy around people and that I had the ability to open up and talk to anyone easily instead of getting all tongue tied and silent and feeling so conscious about my every action.. Haiz.. It's depressing and I feel pretty useless.. Sometimes I really wish I was different or i knew how to be .. But it just never turns out that way..