Goodbye 2008

It's the 31st today!

I can't believe it's the end of a year already. It went by way too fast and so many things have happened this year, it's crazy...

So much hurt, so many tears, so many disappointments, so much heartache...

Also, my fair share of joy and laughter and extremely happy moments... I cannot deny that...

You were the reason for my happiest moments and my deepest grief.. You made me feel like the luckiest girl around and also the unluckiest... With you I learnt to aim for the stars and I also learnt how it felt to be crawling in the dumps... With you I learnt the beauty of giving and loving and also the pain of it... I learnt that decisions that are made past the correct time may never get a second chance.. I have learnt that it is more important to follow your heart and gut instinct than what is deemed to be correct.. That societal norms and family rules may not necessarily be applicable to everyone within the family.. That you should take the path where your heart lies cuz that usually leads you to happiness.. I have learnt that sometimes sacrifice may not be the best thing after all.. And I have also learnt that even if it may not be the best thing, you got to do it when there is no other alternative.. I have also learnt that love cannot be forced and will only work if two people want it to.. That it's useless believing that you can will things to work on your own...

I have learnt that sometimes the people whom you least expect are the ones who are there to pick you up and watch out for you.. ( Thank you, Kevin and Siva) .. I have learnt too that sometimes without your girlfriends, you are nothing... The smiles and laughter and tears they share with you are priceless... No matter how often you meet or hangout or how seldom you communicate, they would never let you down..

To Sai, for listening, for understanding, for feeling my frustration, for curling my hair and doing my eyes, for getting excited with me for things that mean the world to me, for sharing my love for chocolates and seafood...

To Vic, for staying up at night to let me cry, for calling me a million times to make sure Im ok.. For carrying an unglamorously huge balloon through the train for me cuz you knew I wanted you to, for actually thinking about coming to India ...

To Vas, for patiently listening to my long updates of stories each time we meet, for the wake up calls each morning that makes me feel remembered, for walking to an ulu mac to get me the 'wrong' breakfast, for being honest with me...

To Bhavani, for coming in at the right times, for listening and trying to save me from potential heartache, for getting to know people important to me, for getting frsutrated on my behalf and for being there..

To Geeta, for calling me daily, getting happy and sad for me, for fighting for my blue blanket, for sharing movie dates with me, for getting embarrassed with me, for travelling to Commonwealth station at night cuz you knew it meant a lot...

To Shivani, for listening, for getting angry, for making me egg and cheese, for always cooking when you stay over, for watching 'colic' with me, for painting the 'V' and helping me with damage control...

To Sandhya, for always trying to get me to eat, for worrying, for listening, for traumatising me about my brother, for sharing years of friendship, for calling to check on me under your block during the lightning...

To Aarthi, for appearing at the right moments, for taking me out on a random lunch date, for making me spill my heart and listening to my depression, for understanding and telling me what to do, for making me laugh, for sharing my joys and tears...

To Siew Wei, for coming into my life, for undertanding me, for knowing exactly how I feel, for the tears you share with me, for getting so frustrated at my helplessness, for wanting the best for me..

I love you all many many much!!

I wish the year end had taken a different turn... I still wish there would be a miracle.. I wish stars and planets didn't interfere with my life so much.. I wish I could leave ...

I hope the year ahead is better, less tears , less pain, less troubles..
I hope for a job so I can still support Buyan...
I hope to leave this place..
I hope to turn cold and indifferent and numb...
I hope to forget how to love...
I hope to be more antisocial and withdrawn...

Xmas

It's that time of year... Of holly and mistletoes, of love and giving, of presents and candycane, of laughter and miracles.. I do believe in miracles, at least to a certain extent, and miracle or n0t, there is a sense of magic lingering in the air this season... Of possibilities, of hope, of fairytales and of dreams.. The lights, the cheer and the laughter of shoppers and friends linking hands as they walk, it'll all just so beautiful.. :)

Yesterday I sat down to watch 'A Walk to Remember'. Yet again. This time with Lavin-the most unbelievable of companions and I can't help but feel this warm sensation each time my favourite parts come up.. Where he stands up for her in the cafeteria, the way he calls her 'Baby', the softness that comes out from him whenever he is around her, the scene of the state lines and tattoo, when she refers to him as her angel... It's just sooo sweet! :)

I need a job.. There are so many things I wanna get... The mp3 player, a bag, heels, the lamp I have been meaning to get, the books that I really want to get and start reading... Not to mention settling my handphone bills, and supporting my Mongolian kid... Im so afraid I will have to give her up.. :( I hope I last it out...

I want my miracle....

Coincidences and Signs

It's been a while.. Never really knew how to put in words and express the turbulence within... Actually I still don't.. And I doubt I would make sense anyway...

How do you know you have gotten a sign? I mean you wait for a sign and then you get a sign that you asked for but you start doubting it because it could just be coincidence.. I mean, it was so possible that it could just be a normal occurence and not a sign.. But then again, it just may be the sign I was looking for.. So what do I do - take it as a sign and make decisoons based on that thought or dismiss it as a coincidence? See what I mean, I start sprouting loads of nonsense.. Sign or coincidence, i think Im gonna dismiss them both and go by my instinct and belief.. And I'll wait to see where this will all lead to...

So much I want to know.. So many things I need to ask.. So many burning questions that drive me crazy each and every day but I know this is not the time.. I smile and let it go.. One day things will fall into place... Time, time is all that's needed.. I hope...

I wanna see you the way I know you.. The way you were and the things you did.. the way you'd say things and the way your eyes light up when you smile.. I wanna see your smile reach your eyes and the warmth radiate from within like how I remember it.. I wanna see that laughter and mischief once more.. That arrogance that came through once in a while, the confidence that you showed.. The positivity and faith that made me believe and the smiles you brought about... I know I will..

Will it be my turn, two hearts beating together as one, no more loneliness , only love , laughter and fun

How do you know

How would you know someone is made for you? That you have finally met that someone you have been waiting for all your life - the one who has the ability to totally sweep you off your feet and make you feel the butterflies each time they walk into the room? How do you know your decisions would lead to positive consequences? How do you know if the right thing to do may actually be the wrong thing for you? Is following your heart, even if it means going against social and cultural norms, wrong? Or is it more wise fighting for what you want and believe in? But how would you be certain that what you want is actually what is best for you and what guarantee do you have that this is what you should be doing???

How can you tell that someone who loves you now will always love you this way and its not merely a temporary phase? Or how would you know if someone you love would return your love the same way??

Breathless

If our love was a fairy tale, I would charge in and rescue you
On a yacht baby we would sail
To an island where we’d say I do
And if we had babies they would look like you
It’d be so beautiful if that came true
You don’t even know how very special you are

You leave me breathless
You’re everything good in my life
You leave me breathless
I still can’t believe that you’re mine
You just walked out of one of my dreams
So beautiful you’re leaving me
Breathless

And if our love was a story book
We would meet on the very first page
The last chapter would be about
How I’m thankful for the life we’ve made
And if we had babies they would have your eyes
I would fall deeper watching you give life
You don’t even know how very special you are

You leave me breathless
You’re everything good in my life
You leave me breathless
I still can’t believe that you’re mine
You just walked out of one of my dreams
So beautiful you’re leaving me

You must have been sent from heaven to earth to change me
You’re like an angel
The thing that I feel is stronger than love believe me
You’re something special I only hope that I’ll one day deserve what you’ve given me
But all I can do is try
Every day of my life

You leave me breathless
You’re everything good in my life
You leave me breathless
I still can’t believe that you’re mine
You just walked out of one of my dreams
So beautiful you’re leaving me
Breathless

Value of Time

Have you ever felt so muddled up? Like there were really really important things running through your head that needed your attention and time, that you were so hesitant to look into because you were afraid of finding the answers to them?

I am not going to question why it is so or why it couldn't have been otherwise or wonder at the timing, or the twists and surprises and shocks that meet you at every turn you make in your journey. Questioning never provides answers.. Time, I realised does...

I remembered today as I sat in church, a particular day similar to this, where I sat before Her just like I did today and made a request.. Told Her something I felt was only fair.. And I remember feeling so down about it after. And today, those thoughts came flooding back.. And I realised that time had taught me a lesson.. To stop, to understand, to learn patience, to wait, to believe, to surrender, to accept, to give, and today - to wonder at the mystery of it all...

It is a challenge.. Every day is a challenge of it's own.. certain days, you feel nothing happens and certain days you feel you were on a constant roller coaster ride.. Today I felt peaceful- after a long while.. I felt this amazing sense of calm I haven't felt in days.. Sitting at Her altar after so long made me realise how much I missed church.. I felt this sense of peace wash over me today in the serenity of it all.. And somehow that trip to Sai Centre, completed it.. And to top it off, a meeting with Siew Wei. :)