Friday, February 29, 2008

Happens, once, twice and it will happen again

Just today I was saying I dare not think too much about my birthday...
Just today I voiced out how afraid I was of getting upset..
Just today I was thinking of how everything that happens twice happens thrice...
- New Year's was depressing
- Valentine's was heartbreaking
- Now this...
I just had a feeling that this year was just wrong.. Every event I anticipate goes wrong.. Some strange nagging thought kept bugging me that I would get upset next week.. I was right..

I was just telling Sai a few days back that I would really, really lose my mood and excitement for the show if this happened.. It would all seem pointless if it turned out this way.. And it has.. Whatever I was dreading so much has happened.. I took more effort this time for the show, took greater care in picking the jewellery and everything.. Put more thought into what I should change into when normally I throw on jeans and a tee.. Haiz.. Oh well...

Im not angry.. Or frustrated.. Just disappointed and upset.. I know it can't be helped.. I do.. And I'm trying to understand.. I did pray afterall, that things go well for you after the change of environment and I guess I got to accept that these things tend to happen..

I gave it till the 8th...

Friday, February 22, 2008

Hmmmm

I think I might just breakdown and cry...
Keerthana has broken her arm and it's in a cast and the dance is in two weeks. Oh God.. I almost hyper-ventilated when mum told me.. I just hope she recovers quick, otherwise we need to give another girl an immediate crash course.. :( I dare not tell Sailu yet.. I think she will faint.. Such a blow.. Really... haiz..

Anyway, the show is approaching.. The stress level is mounting.. The costumes need to be stitched for both dances.. The jewellery needs to be picked out.. The songs have to be re-edited.. In between all this, I still desperately need a job.. Somehow Im dreading the 8th... Haiz.. Only thing Im happy about is that I get to see some of the people I really adore :)

Vic baby, please don't worry about doing anything for my birthday or anything.. Seriously, the telephone conversation with you yesterday made me feel very guilty cuz you are having exams and all and your so busy yourself.. I honestly don't mind and I'm really not expecting you to throw me any surprise or what.. So do not worry.. Don't have to keep asking me what I want or where I want to go or anything.. Just focus on your papers, k? Seriously.. Go ahead with your studying and finish your exams first :)


I really miss some of you guys.. Honestly..

I miss you for the times we used to spend around the bazaars.. For the rapid messages we used to send each other plotting on ways to meet for breaks.. For the travelling home and the wrapping of presents at fast food restaurants.. For having similar cravings as me..For staring at the large variety of chocolates around us and wishing we could have been locked in the shop for a day.. I really miss you...

I miss you for the slacking sessions we would have.. For the chicken rice lunches and the milo after.. For the Hershey's cookies and cream we would share.. For the times we would sit at the benches listening to MP3s.. For the times we'd be over-dressed for events..For the way you roam the arcade with me.. For the ways we'd run around from chalets to birthday parties and be ready to collapse by the time we are home..

I miss you for the times we'd have dance prac together.. For the times we'd meet at six and wait till ten for the rest to turn up so we can start dancing.. For the way we'd check out the Swenson's menu and go there for dinner after being tempted to get the lime soda, only to realise it wasn't what we had imagined.. For the way we go shopping for 'gargantuans' *winkz*

I miss you for our Thai express dates.. For the times we'd stare at our phones on my bed and will them to beep.. For the times we'd make prank calls to friends from my mum's shop.. For the times you'd come over for 'sotong' curry.. For the times you'd get abused by my little cousins.. For the times you make me dance in BK or almost topple down escalators with me while balancing a HUGE present from Toys ' R' Us... I miss you for getting me lost at East Coast.

I miss you for the way you impersonate 'Good evening, ladies and gentleman...' , I miss you for pointing out 'olives' to me.. I miss you for introducing me to the cheese hotdogs at Cavana.. I miss you for being my partner in crime at East Coast.. I miss you for stuffing me with gifts and leaving me stranded at Bugis while you take a cab to my house first.. I miss you for the times we had in BK with the aeroplane boys..

I miss you for the way you mistake brown for black.. For the way you don't give me answers to questions I'm curious about.. For the way you leave me wondering.. For almost making me run with your suggestions of getting me to try 'Reverse bungee'.. For never getting mad at my outbursts.. For being patient.. For calling and checking on me.. For asking me to make sure I try not to embarrass myself on stage since you're coming to watch..

I miss you for the way you put make up on me before I can even find time to protest.. For the way you show your concern by calling out of the blue and talking to me and asking what's up.. For the way you freaked out when we asked you to bring a spare t-shirt along.. For the way you offer a hug readily each time we meet.. For the way you made me a receptionist at a Spa for a day..

I miss you for the train journeys we shared.. For the canteen lunches.. For the trips to Clementi after work.. For teaching me the technicalities of capturing shots.. For the ways you plan things to make me smile.. For scaring me while I was on stage.. For the chocolates you stuff me with.. For making me crawl on a monkey's lap.. For shooting dinosaurs with us..For making me late for work :)

I miss you for the mee goreng at Newton.. For the many Hershey bars.. For your skilful canoeing.. For making me crawl around the arcade searching for tokens.. For calling me at night and asking me to repeat your name.. For constantly forgetting my name.. For wrapping presents with us.. For taking the umbrella away cuz you felt you shouldn't get wet.. For sharing your jacket even though you hated the fact that my top would leave glitter behind on your jacket..

Actually I miss a whole lot more of you.... But right now I got to run... I'll be back later.. :)

Monday, February 18, 2008

Dance

I am ok.. Really.. I have had quite a few of you come check up on me to make sure I'm alright after reading my last few entries.. I feel so loved. Thank you.. But I'm ok.. Don't worry about me.. I'm back to running around between all the different commitments as usual :)

Speaking of which, we had dance practise yesterday and finally we snapped pictures of the groups.. The kids are sooooo cute...

Our Daandiya group.. Lol... Suchitra aunty, Ezek and mum at the back and me and Preeti in the front..(One guy missing though, if I were to reveal his identity, he has threatened to kill me)The kids- left to right: Neha, Sreeya, Keerthana and Priyanka.. :)

Friday, February 15, 2008

Sweet

I was really touched today.. Seeing how friends care and show their concern..
How Sai darling wanted to come and stay over yesterday night at the last minute cuz she knew I was really upset..
How Vimal followed me for interview cuz I wasn't feeling good...
And the ultimate shocker was when Vic turned up with the teddy and CD with her message.. I was really surprised.. Wasn't expecting it at all.. Girl, thanks alot.. That really made me smile inside.. I was really touched by the gesture.. Felt so loved.. And the message was really sweet... Thank you.. Love ya loads..

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Stoning at home

Im currently stoning at home after being sent back with flu and cough.. Plus the fact that she wants me to stay back late on Friday and that there was nothing much to be done today.. I'm so exhausted already and I cannot imagine my condition at the end of Friday night.. And I had to open my big mouth and tell her I would come in tomorrow morning despite her telling me to stay home and just attend the interview.. Haiz..

I wonder if I am prone to sea-sickness.. The last thing I'd want is to start throwing up or something.. I would just jump down somewhere.. And Sai, if you suddenly find yourself coughing badly at 7.30pm tomorrow, babe, it's probably me scolding you and wishing you were in front of me so I could kill you!! You jolly well know why!!

I am confused.. Should I listen to Vjay's advice and keep it or Sai's advice and not keep it.. Hmm... One way I could regret never knowing what could have happened and the other way I could highly make myself seem like a psycho... Major dilemma.. Haha.. What's new, right?

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Ramble ramble ramble

So here I am, stoning at NTU cuz I ended work early at 4pm and just my luck, everyone happens to be in class.. Haiz.. Thank God for Vjay who happened to end early and bump into me and kindly passed me his laptop to keep me occuppied.. :)

Well,it's been two days since I started at NIE and believe it or not, I already dread it.. The distance for one, is torture.. Secondly, I had taken up this job thinking it would be near my friends as well but the Professor I work with has some strange idea that I'm her shadow or something and insists that I follow her everywhere and sit by her side every minute.. I can't even see my friends for lunch cuz of this.. Grrr!! And it's such a pity that NTU and NIE are sooo far apart in distance when you try gtting from my building to the benches at NTU by foot.. Haiz... I don't like the job as well.. I hate having to do things under constant supervision.. I also don't like the fact that she thinks I share some special bond with her that makes it possible for me to read her mind and know exactly what she is talking about without explaining the concepts to me.. I have so much troubl trying to figure out what she wants of me and when I do tell her that, she seems to think it'sa joke or says something sarcastic back..Im seriously only holding on for one reason.. Just one.. I don't have a choice.. I need to.. Otherwise, I would have left immediately.. :(

Why is it so difficult to find a place according to your liking in Singapore? Honestly I'm going mad with talks of ships and beaches and barnacles and bars.. Lol..Thank God for Geeta and Sai who so sweetly do internet research for me while I slave away at work.. Love ya both.. *muakz* well, girls, hope we succeed with our research :)

Anyway dear Vic, I still have no intention of putting up a list on the blog indicating what I want for my birthday.. There is only ONE thing I would really really want.. But that's beyond reach... Haha.. And if you ask me further,I'd say I want the moon or the stars or the clouds like what I ask from my brother every year and he ends up cracking his head to find something metaphorically suitable.. I shall spare you the touble :)

Saturday, February 9, 2008

Insecurities

Sometimes I feel I'm making a mistake.. That I'm going about things the wrong way.. But how can it be when it feels right? I have people coming to tell me that I'm wasting my time and I'm being ridiculous but I don't have the heart to change what I am believing in right now.. I know that if one day they were right, I'd pay a really really heavy price but right now, I'd so much rather keep my fingers crossed and pray...

Every word that's said, every opportunity that's created, every possibility that comes by is noted down in me so strongly.. So much so that I cannot let things go by when it doesn't go how it's supposed to.. Not that I don't understand circumstances.. I do, which is why I never ask why things are so, cuz I know I do not have that right to and I don't belong in that way yet.. All I can do now is be patient and hope for clues and reasons to smile..

I've always been pretty good at hiding my emotions and insecurities and fears from my family cuz I have always tried not to worry them.. I know how protective and possessive they can get and how much my grandparents and uncles feel the need to watch over me since Dad isn't around.. I know how frustrated and helpless they would all feel if I cried or let my emotions show.. So I have always managed to keep them out of my emotional zone.. No matter how upset I got, I could always hide it with them and be cheerful and playful around them as usual.. Not this time, though.. For the first time, I found myself excusing myself and running off to the toilet in a desperate attempt to try to hide the fact that tears were forming.. I found myself super quiet around everyone, even the kids.. I found myself rejecting the children's requests to play games with them, when normally I'm the one who initiates their games.. I found myself zoning out from the conversations.. I found myself slipping into deep thoughts only to snap out of it when I feel tears threatening to fall.. I found myself facing my Uncle at least three times, as he came to me and asked me to talk to him cuz he felt something was wrong and I had some issue eating me from inside.. It was all i could do to not just break down and cry...

I don't know why.. I guess cuz I feel trapped.. Cuz I have no answers to offer to anyone.. Cuz I feel I'm not able to reassure people on things they worry about.. Cuz I feel so helpless and lost..

To any of you reading this, don't ask me what I'm rambling about.. I rather not go into details, thank you...

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Annoyance

I am annoyed.. With a lot of things..

The dance is annoying me BIG time.. I think Sai will agree with me.. Never had I ever thought that working with little kids would be such a hassle.. I'm not complaining about all of them.. All of them are honestly super super adorable and given a chance, I'd kidnap them all far away.. It's just one.. One kid and the parent who constantly keep giving problems.. I have never felt so helpless and shocked at the same time before.. Haiz.. I just wish this would end soon..

And then not to forget how Im struggling to not show how much I just want to scream.. Really.. I seriously wish you could see how much I try to not affect you and feel miserable each time.. Im just hoping time will provide a solution..

Sunday, February 3, 2008

Running Around

Yesterday was a day of absolute madness.. Actually I asked for it, since I had to go volunteer to help to babysit the two little ones.. Here's the routine..

I ended church at 10.30am, after which i proceeded to Tekka to escort Ahmish to his 'Mridhangam' class.. Once he went in, I followed grandpa to Forum to pick Vaarsha from her Creative Writing class. Immediately we made our way back to Tekka to pick Ahmish up from his class, while feeding Vaarsha her lunch on the way.. Once we picked Ahmish up, we went to Waterloo Street, got Vaarsha to change and sent her for her Paattu and dance class. Then we went to Tekka for lunch. After stuffing Ahmish and ourselves, we went back to Yio Chu Kang to give Ahmish a quick wash and grab his abacus and stuff and send him to Thomson Plaza for his abacus lesson. Once he was sent, we went back to Tekka to pick Vaarsha up.. Finally I was dropped off at Little India station to take the train to Vivocity to meet Vas and Sasi, while my grandparents proceeded to make their way to Thomson Plaza again to pick Ahmish.

By the time i reached Vivo, I was ready to collapse and all I did was entertain the kids.. That's pretty hard work actually, feeding them and getting them to behave and listen.. Haha.. Hats off to my grandpa who drove all the way.. I developed this nagging migraine that refused to go off.. Annoying throbbing sensation on the right side of my head.. Aargh.. We went to Marche for dessert( I shall not comment further on that) .. Then walked around a bit but we were all so dead we went to the Banquet for dinner before heading home eventually, totally drained out..
Sasi.. The usual.. *winkz*Now, this is artistic ok?Three of us and the green shawl
Just came back from dance practise a while back and I must say, the kids are so super adorable that it takes a lot of effort not pinching their cheeks.. haha.. It's going to be pretty sad when all this ends in March.. :(

Should I or shouldn't I? I think I shouldn't....



Friday, February 1, 2008

Bundle of joy?

I always believed that children are God's gifts and there is nothing more beautiful than watching your little kid asleep, or having a child fall asleep on you, or watching them take their first few steps, or seeing their faces break out into a wide smile when they see you enter the house after work or something.. Having them run up to you to be carried or realising how vulnerable and dependent they are on you is enough to melt anyone..

I don't understand how someone can bear to part with their kid because they feel the expenses are too high.. How they can leave their kid with their family overseas because they both are working and cannot look after the kid.. I don't get it.. How do you come home after that knowing that the familiar smiling face that was ever ready to greet you is no longer there? How do you go through your mornings knowing that the usual alarm clock that would start calling out for you is not there? How do you fall asleep at night knowing your baby is sleeping elsewhere? I don't think it's a valid excuse. I mean if you are working, then think of a way to manage.. Why have kids then if you can't? Why bring a kid into the world if you cannot offer the child your complete love or be able to show responsibility for the kid? What is more important than that child who needs you?

Ok, you know what.. I'm just really carried away by emotions for this.. I guess it's cuz I just played with the baby and carried her and stuff.. To each, his own opinions.. I'm off..

Disturbed

I feel disturbed.. Seriously..

Girl, I wish you would let me in.. It hurts watching you in pain.. I wish you'd just let me talk to you or let someone else.. Stop shutting yourself away.. You're a diamond that's worth way more than you credit yourself for. Honestly... *hugz*


Watched Oprah today.. Channel surfing and for some reason I decided to just watch it.. BIG mistake.. I wish I didn't.. Felt emotions rushing back from the past.. a feeling I didn't want to experience again.. the intermingling of guilt and regret and sadness.. The emergence of issues and memories I had stuffed all the way at the back of my mind, hoping they wouldn't surface again.. Oh well...


I feel pretty useless with the job search.. It's getting depressing actually.. I just don't know what else to do now..