Insecurities

Sometimes I feel I'm making a mistake.. That I'm going about things the wrong way.. But how can it be when it feels right? I have people coming to tell me that I'm wasting my time and I'm being ridiculous but I don't have the heart to change what I am believing in right now.. I know that if one day they were right, I'd pay a really really heavy price but right now, I'd so much rather keep my fingers crossed and pray...

Every word that's said, every opportunity that's created, every possibility that comes by is noted down in me so strongly.. So much so that I cannot let things go by when it doesn't go how it's supposed to.. Not that I don't understand circumstances.. I do, which is why I never ask why things are so, cuz I know I do not have that right to and I don't belong in that way yet.. All I can do now is be patient and hope for clues and reasons to smile..

I've always been pretty good at hiding my emotions and insecurities and fears from my family cuz I have always tried not to worry them.. I know how protective and possessive they can get and how much my grandparents and uncles feel the need to watch over me since Dad isn't around.. I know how frustrated and helpless they would all feel if I cried or let my emotions show.. So I have always managed to keep them out of my emotional zone.. No matter how upset I got, I could always hide it with them and be cheerful and playful around them as usual.. Not this time, though.. For the first time, I found myself excusing myself and running off to the toilet in a desperate attempt to try to hide the fact that tears were forming.. I found myself super quiet around everyone, even the kids.. I found myself rejecting the children's requests to play games with them, when normally I'm the one who initiates their games.. I found myself zoning out from the conversations.. I found myself slipping into deep thoughts only to snap out of it when I feel tears threatening to fall.. I found myself facing my Uncle at least three times, as he came to me and asked me to talk to him cuz he felt something was wrong and I had some issue eating me from inside.. It was all i could do to not just break down and cry...

I don't know why.. I guess cuz I feel trapped.. Cuz I have no answers to offer to anyone.. Cuz I feel I'm not able to reassure people on things they worry about.. Cuz I feel so helpless and lost..

To any of you reading this, don't ask me what I'm rambling about.. I rather not go into details, thank you...