Oops

I think I have made a huge blunder ..

Missing you..

I was just thinking about stuff.. Just random thoughts in my head.. Been feeling pretty miserable lately and was trying to figure out why and I guess now i have..

I think I'm missing my friends.. Alot.. I miss how things were during school days.. How everyday was something to look forward to.. How we stayed back almost everyday and survived on chips from the vending machine.. How almost everynight was a conference.. How we could laugh and laugh and laugh and not realise time passing...

Things seem so different now.. I miss them all so much.. I know I can always call and talk.. But everyone has things to do as well.. Everyone is either busy with other things or studying for their papers.. And I'm going through this whole period of confusion and stress and everything rolled up in one together.. So much of contradicting thoughts and opinions keep flooding my mind and I'm always emotionally affected by something or the other.. I just can't wait for it all to pass..

And I also realised why I haven't really called anyone.. I guess I'm afraid.. I'm so afraid to lose them.. School is over now.. Holidays approaching.. All going to start work and stuff.. Things will be different.. And I'm not looking forward to that.. I miss the 2 nuts from school so much and I can't even recall when was the last time I spoke to Mr. Montero.. There is so much I would like to say.. So much I wanna ask about.. So many things I have missed out on.. But I feel trapped..

I feel like perhaps things may be different for them as well.. All I really really want to do is just not have anything bothering anyone and all just go out for ice cream or something and crap as usual.. To be just able to spend time together like we used to.. To feel that carefree feeling and that light heartedness I used to feel in school.. To be there for that friend whom I know is struggling emotionally inside.. To let the other know that I'm still the same and nothing has changed for me .. Right now, I need them with me more than ever.. Haiz

Thank You

The week is not starting good.. Haiz.. Everybody in the family seems to be falling sick with the strangest possible illnesses.. So weird.. And now, I'm feeling sick as well.. Throat hurts.. Aargh!! Hope it passes soon.. Got to study!

You know how it is when something happens that makes you realise how much people around you care about you and you learn to realise who are the ones who are really there? That moment that makes you feel really loved and cherished and special.. Well I think I've had that moment the last two days..

One phonecall I made after so long that lasted most to most about twenty minutes left me smiling long after that.. Darling, I'm so thankful for the way you don't mind putting yourself in awkward positions to protect me and make sure I will be okay.. I still haven't forgotten how you threw yourself in the line of fire to take care of me during dance prac. at the shelter or how you wiped my tears when I couldn't stop them from flowing under the block .. What you did for me that day was the sweetest thing anyone could have possibly done.. Muakz!

Then there are the two nutcases at home, who act all macho and stuff and pretend they have not a care in the world and nothing at all affects them, but end of the day, they actually sit down and discuss my life and consider my insecurities and have talks with my family on my behalf to ensure my well-being.. You two, although your both younger to me, I have always appreciated the way you're both always watching out for me and worrying about me..

And then there is a third nut case who sets the first two nut cases on track if he feels they are not observant enough to my emotions.. This nut case will disappear for ages and suddenly reappear one day, but in that one day realise all my emotions so well and activate the previous two nut cases and get them 'activated'. I really don't know how you always turn up when I'm needing someone the most or when I'm confused.. somehow or other, you always do.. And for that I'm thankful..

This next person is the most unpredictable.. he comes out of the blue, gathers all the updates to my life, understands my insecurities and worries, calls me consecutively the next few days to keep checking up on me, tells me to relax and calms my nerves.. Keeps telling me how I can do it and I'm worth more than I credit myself for and gets me smiling.. On top of all that he actually takes the effort to get to person no. 1 to explain my dilemma to her knowing that she could probably be someone who could make a difference in me.. Now, talk about sincerity.. I'm really touched by what you did.. When she told me you directed her attention to my blog entries, I was speechless that you actually remembered and cared so much.. Thanks for always sticking up for me and believeing in me..

And then there is the family.. Despite the scoldings and the nagging and the moments when they make me feel really insignificant and stuff, there are moments as well when you feel so glad you were a part of them.. These moments make up for any other bitter moments before.. And they have never failed at constantly making me feel so special and loved each time something comes up.. The way they all panic and get involved when I fall sick, the way they all get together when something good happens.. The preparations they all did for my 21st.. The way they all stood together to ensure it went well ( with the help of my friends, of cuz), the way they planned surprise parties, the way they all get excited when something new happens or changes occur, the way they attend functions and immediately formulate ideas for me.. The way the children come running and flinging their arms around you.. That alone is enough to make your day.. I'm glad to be here, to be a part of this.. I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.. I'm glad for the love, the affection and the concern.. I'm thankful for the support and the knowledge that no matter what, I can always depend on you guys..

These were the incidences of the last two days and the people who took me by surprise.. Of course the other darlings I couldn't do without have always played a part as well and have always been there to pick me up....You're not forgotten.. You guys know who u are.. *muakz*

Alright then.. Having a headache.. Will be back later.. Ciao!

Vidz

A few videos I found pretty cute.. Also something someone had trouble finding and watching in full.. So here goes :)

Last Few Days

It's been a few days.. And there is just so much I could say.. I should be feeling lighter and happier now that three papers are down and it's just one more to go, but I'm feeling far from that. In fact i'm feeling more choked up and afraid than ever.. That last paper was such a screw up.. That was like the only paper I had actually felt a bit comfortable about and enjoyed learning although it was also such a pain.. It was my only hope and that screwed up.. I was so disappointed.. Really really disappointed.. It looks like I may have to repeat a year after all.. Not only am I disappointed.. I would be disappointing my family as well.. Such a horrible feeling...

On another note, went for Shiv's singing competition yesterday.. Not only did she turn out looking like an angel, but she sounded like such an angel as well.. And her stage presence is fantastic, she is not shy or stiff on stage and that made watching her such a delight.. Obviously, she entered the grand finals. Yay!! :)

Went for dinner on Saturday night and I must admit, it was really pleasant.. Was expecting myself to be really nervous and tongue tied as usual, but to my surprise I found myself feeling more comfortable.. Cleared up something I was feeling a bit worried about and I'm glad it's settled.. But something that was mentioned about 'being nice' is pretty disturbing. I sure hope you meant it as a joke and there was nothing more to it because it gives me bitter memories.. Oh well, I suppose time only can tell..

Anyway I'm really really tired after the last few days.. Been having a major lack of sleep the last few days and it's nice to finally be able to just sit at home after so long.. But sadly, can't sit for too long.. Got Law to cover.. Aargh.. Somebody stab me.. It's bound to be less painful.. Haiz..

Oh well.. Just one more week :)

For someone

Someone wanted me to make a dedication... To say nice things about them.. To let the world know how nice that someone is and why I adore that someone so... Okay, here goes.. Hope your happy... :)

A thank you to you for being there, for caring and for being the nicest kind of friend


-For the many times you've sat down with me sharing personal problems
-For the many times you've taken care of me
-For the many times you've patiently tolerated my nonsense and emotions
-For the many times you've touched me with your sweet gestures
-For the way you let me 'decorate' your notes
-For the way you let me fiddle with your handphone settings
-For the way you get me chocolates
-For the way you surprise me with things I like
-For the way you remember things I like (although your memory is pretty bad and you end up forgetting my name.. grr)
-For the way you don't get angry each time I embarrass you
-For the way you care
-For the way you call me and explain an entire topic over the phone because I couldn't find the notes (now, tell me.. who would do that?)
-For volunteering to take the train and accompany me from Jurong to Little India although your direction is right at the opposite end
-For actually entertaining my stupidity and not mind playin canoeing in the arcade
-For watching out for me
-For being the best kind of companion when you choose not to "abundun" me when I'm alone
-For buying me chocolates
-For dragging me down a flight of stairs when there was no light there and putting my life at risk when we could have taken the lighted stairway
-For calling me late at night and threatening me with ghost stories, knowing very well I probably wouldn't sleep after that
-For taking me out and distracting me when I'm stressed or upset
-For understanding my emotions
-For giving me your jacket when I was cold although you were cold as well
-For helping me look for my 'pottu' when I dropped it
-For telling me I hurt you and that your unhappy with my actions and making me cry, only to tell me later that you were kidding and just wanted to see my reaction
-For always being there no matter what
-For running aross the road to flag down a cab for us
-For messaging me after a drinking session and insisting I'm another friend of yours although I insisted I wasn't
-For walking all over an unfamiliar environment with me in search of a photocopy machine
-For making me repeat your name to you in the middle of the night when I'm so sleepy and groggy from medication
-For calling me each day when I was sick
-For telling me about 'Los Angeles' when I was having a really bad throat :)
-For promising me a diamond ring but ending up killin me softly and hurting me deeply (that should sound familiar *winkz*)
-For making sure I get home safely when it's late
-For giving me a name other than my own
-For telling me you will pray for me
-For being honest with me
-For letting me trust you and know I can never be wrong
-For being you and allowing me to be myself around you, knowing you'll not judge me
-For being the perfect friend and confidante..

Well, I know your going to kill me for some things I said.. But I meant all the nice things.. There is definitely a lot more I could say about you and I could go on and on.. But most importantly, know that you're very much loved.. :) Good luck for your paper.

Aargh

Stress is mounting.. Feels like I'm choking.. The paper is scaring the hell out of me.. Knowing my luck, nothing will turn out according to my knowledge of the content.. Haiz.. Oh well, one more sleepless night and hopefully God will be a little more kind to me.. Let's see if I leave the examination hall looking relieved or traumatised.. :)

The next thing that makes me nervous is Saturday's lunch.. I wouldn't say I'm scared, just really nervous.. That sensation I feel each time we meet up.. That rapid flapping of thousands of butterfly wings swirling up fom the pit of your tummy.. Something tells me I'm going to royally embarrass myself.. Again..

I've decided to leave this whole issue.. It's causing too much emotional stress and adding on to distraction, both of which I could do without right now.. I realised there is no point in me worrying each time I do something and wondering how I put myself across, whether I screwed up or will screw up... I think I'm wondering so much this time because of Valentine's dream.. That dream makes it seem so magical and possible .. But whether it's just a mere coincidence is still not clear.. It could be a foresight or it could be just her thinking about me too much before heading to bed.. Haha.. Oh well, time will tell I suppose.. Right now, I'm just trying to divert my attention to other things around me and try real hard to not think about these things..

Alright I think it's time I went back to my books.. Can't wait for the 6th of June.. And can't wait to catch Pirates, Bridge to Terabithia and Shrek 3 ... :)

HUG

I think something most girls can agree with.. Sweet and beautiful with so much truth in it... :)

Smilez

I'm smiling again :)
I am a little worried still, but I'm definitely smiling again. Thanks for telling me before i even asked ..

Falling into you

And in your eyes I see ribbons of color
I see us inside of each other
I feel my unconscious merge with yours
And I hear a voice say, "What's his is hers"

I'm falling into you
This dream could come true
And it feels so good falling into you

I was afraid to let you in here
Now I have learned love can't be made in fear
The walls begin to tumble down
And I can't even see the ground

I'm falling into you
This dream could come true
And it feels so good falling into you

Falling like a leaf, falling like a star
Finding a belief, falling where you are

Catch me, don't let me drop!
Love me, don't ever stop!

So close your eyes and let me kiss you
And while you sleep I will miss you

I'm falling into you
This dream could come true
And it feels so good falling into you

Falling like a leaf, falling like a star
Finding a belief, falling where you are

Falling into you
Falling into you
Falling into you

Dedicated to Valentine

A little something for Valentine :)
Cheer up girl.. I know your havin alot on your mind right now and you probably feel choked. I wish I could do something but till then here's a video I'm sure will entertain you.. Oh by the way, pay special attention to the gold dress, okay? *winkz*

Events from the night

Yesterday seemed like such a whirlwind.. It's been so very very long since i felt such tight knots in my tummy and the sensation of a million butterflies flapping about.. Something i would never ever dream of doing. Till now, I cannot believe I did.. Knowing how shy and introverted I can be, to meet 2 really new people at once and depending on one of them whom i've met only once, for comfort.. These are moments when I don't think.. :) Oh well, but i suppose I have no regrets..

It was a pleasant night.. although I had my share of trauma as I walked into the pub, knowing for sure I'm about to emvbarrass myself somehow, the look of terror on my face when the food arrived and the horror when the conversation turned to world news. I wasn't bored or anything, cuz honestly they were really funny and witty and really down to earth. I was just so scared i'd embarrass myself or say something really stupid. So what do i do? Stare at the tv screen in front of me and watch golf. Brilliant move. He offered me wine, i flatly refused. Those who know me well would probably know why. *winkz* I didnt need another excuse to embarrass myself.

But the night was nice. He did consider how I was and made an effort to figure out if I was ok or not. So that was pretty nice of him and the fact that he insisted he put me in a cab although it was only like ten, was pretty sweet I think, considering the efforts the two of them took to get me a cab in the first place. :) Oh well, right now he probably thinks i'm an idiot and so I can expect things to die down. I wouldn't blame him.. I really screwed up. Oh well...

How do I feel about all this? Mixed emotions i suppose. I really don't know yet. He has been really nice and sweet the last two times and it is still a pretty bit early to tell. But as the days go by, knowin me, i'd start getting emotionally attached and then the pressure from my family isn't helping either. They are pretty eager to meet him and get us talking. But i'm scared. I'm really scared if he isn't interested. I'm scared to talk cuz of that one line he mentioned. It's building a wall around me that's refusing to fall apart. Oh well, got to go with the flow i suppose and try hard to not allow any feelings to get in the way cuz this may not last. I cannot count on it, cuz i'm definitely not making things any easier for him ...

That One Word

I Love You.
3 simple words but with such great impact and meaning.
It takes 3 seconds to say 'I Love You' but a lifetime to prove it.

Love- it's a moment that lasts forever.
A word that encompasses so many emotions, feelings and evolves around so much beauty. A word that says a thousand others. A word so short, yet so powerful. A single word that could make your world spin or bring it to a stand still.

So how would you know when it's true? When it can be reciprocated? When your right about your gut feelings?

How would you know if your chosen path is right or whether your merely stepping into treacherous waters?

I guess perhaps you'd never know and when you do, it's probably too late. That's what's scary.

How is love beautiful if it makes you cause pain to people dear to u? How is it beautiful when you end up hurting those who care about you the most. It's true that giving someone your heart not only gives them the right to love you but also the power to hurt you..

Thoughts that keep circling and spinning cobwebs in my mind.. Where will all this lead to?

I don't know if your playing a game.. I don't know if you expect me to play along.. I don't know if your display of interest is merely part of making the rest happy and satisfied.. If it is, I don't know where this will leave me eventually cuz my feelings will get involved in this. I can't seem to understand your actions..

I want to understand so many things.. so many questions.. No answers..

Thoughts...

I think yesterday was just really a weird day.. so many things taking place within 24 hrs.. All the planning to turn up at the airport and make a surprise visit and continue studying at the airport before returning home eventually in the early morning, those plans not working out, disappointment because those plans didn't work out and eventually the one who was supposed to fly off, didn't even fly off.. Haha I actually think it's pretty funny.. I don't think it would have been if we had gone to the airport.. :) ok, gal, for once your decision was correct. I have to agree :)

Yesterday was also memorable cuz after a long time, I went on conference again with my darlings.. i actually missed them so much and realised this over the phone yest when things were back to how they used to be months back. All laughing and joking and disturbing each other.. Guys, we shouldn't stop at the phone. We shall go to get ice-cream soon. :)

Yesterday was also weird cuz da bro, valentine and I had to make a trip down to the beach to dispose flowers from the prayers.. you wouldn't believe how damn scary that particular beach is at night. really.. No lights. The only light we had was from the stupid handphones that were not much help in the first place.. we couldn't even see where we were going and had our feet sinking into a spot of really muddy soil. Not funny! Not going back there again! Not at night anyway!! Oh and to you valentine, I do not live in a spastic place. Sembawang has no stars in the night sky because i am the star of sembawang myself. They don't need any other stars :)

My Happy Ending

Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...

You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...
So much for my happy ending

Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...


Somehow this song always gets me thinking back.. My happy ending.. always .. i always end up not knowing what's coming.. Keep living in a fairytale of dreams.. I would never know would I? How would I know how it's going to go next or if it's gonna be yet another 'Happy Ending'...

To you, all I want to say is thanks.. thanks for making me feel i was always wrong, that i was naive, too innocent and the reason you strayed was because of my shortcomings, because i was uptight and difficult, because i wasn't liberal and was too 'sheltered', because i was wrong to be 'different' from you.. thanks for making me feel like a complete failure by telling me i annoyed you with my attachment towards kids, for telling your friends that i bored you cuz i stuck up to my moral values, for making me feel really insignificant and dragging me to the lowest point of my life.. For making me wonder whether i made a mistake or whether it's all my fault.. It's long over i know, but this song brought it all back, not the love, but the memory of what you made me feel.. And that's gonna take a really long time to heal..

the start of the horror

Horrible. Terrible. Extremely painful. Disappointing. Stoned.

By the way, Spiderman 3 was good.. but I still think 2 was better. This was nice but the others were better, i feel. Personal opinion :) ..

And I also want to mention thanks to the people who actually remembered my paper today and i must say, i was really touched.. To Shivani, Valli and Paul for so sweetly wishing me before the papers.. to Gaya for running down when you felt I was a wreck.. to Selva for calling to check on me and patiently explain a whole topic to me over the phone..To Vic who so sweetly kept calling to make sure i was okay..To Ganesh for checking on me and keeping me company at the oddest of hours.. To Vas for actually going to pray for me to do well.. To Benita for the words of encouragement and comfort..You guys rock! MUAKZ!

Jeux d'enfants (sets of children)

La vie en rose

Hold me close and hold me fast.
This magic spell you cast;
this is la vie en rose.

When you kiss me, heaven sighs.
And though I close my eyes
I see la vie en rose.

When you press me to your heart,
I'm in a world apart.
A world where roses bloom.

And when you speak,
angels fly from above.
Everyday words seem to turn
into love songs.

Give your heart and soul to me.
Babe, it's gonna be
La vie en rose.

Mmm, when you press me to your heart,
I'm in a world apart.
A world where roses bloom.

And when you speak,
angels fly from above.
Everyday words seem to turn
into love songs.

Give your heart, your soul to me.
Babe, it's gonna be
La vie en rose.

The theme song from the beautiful movie 'Love Me If You Dare'. Came out a couple of years ago, but it's so moving and full of child-like innocence, suppressed emotions and forbidden feelings that it never fails to bring the tears at the end.Check out the trailers. just came across it while browsing. :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hgXG0PiSp54 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yn3shdL0kqM

Random

It's Thursday...
One more day to my doom..
I can just see it happening.. Sitting there staring at the paper which wouldn't make sense to me.. Staring at the questions that seem so strange..
Two huge papers.. will you believe my luck.. Both in one day..
And did I mention my memory span is lower than that of a goldfish?
I can just see feel the depression now itself... I would probably end before 5.30 considering the content I know of the module.. Haiz...

On a lighter note, I'm supposed to watch Spiderman 3 after the papers. That's like something to look forward to tomorrow.. I think one of the few things to look forward to, the others being seeing my friends after long and seeing the stansfield girls. I really miss those three angels, miss the times we had walking along the streets of Tekka after tuition, making buying sweets from Anandha Bhavan an after tuition routine, following each other threading, getting the nuts to munch on from the familiar uncle outside the tuition centre, helping each other and encouraging each other with the modules.. Making sure we all knew what was going on and helping each other along so that nobody was lagging behind.. So much genuinity, so much concern, so carefree..Oh well, I get to see them tomorrow.. :)

I was pleasantly surprised to see that Bridge to Terabithia is playing in theatres now.. I just spoke about that book a few days ago.. i really want to watch it and hope they have stuck along the original storyline closely! Can't wait to catch it.. :)

Jesse and Leslie about to swing into Terabithia

Anyway it's just been proven again that I'm really very, very technologically unsavvy as i have very capably failed to book tickets online. Haha..

Don't Quit

This is a little something that I came across while browsing through poetry to relieve stress.I think it applies to quite a lot of us at this time.. to you, who always asks me if i have more poems to read to you, to you who is feeling down and depressed and choked about emotions, to you who is stressed with financial issues as well as exam stress and to you who is dreading the trip planned ahead. I think we could all do with it. :) Things can only get better from here, I hope.

Don't Quit

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill
When the funds are low and the debts are high
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh
When care is pressing you down a bit
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.


Life is queer with its twists and turns
As every one of us sometimes learns
And many a fellow turns about
When he might have won, had he stuck it out.

Don't give up though the pace seems slow
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than
It seems to a faint and faltering man;
Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the victor's cup;
And he learned too late when the night came down
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt
And you never can tell how close you are
It may be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit
It's when things seem worst that you musn't quit.

Stress

To agree or not to agree? You know the most unimaginable situations always occur for me.. A friend wants to do a portfolio to send to Milan for a job offer he is really looking forward to.. He asked if I could help him out for the pictures in his portfolio. Ok, the people who know me really well would know immediately why I wouldn't want to agree to this.. On one hand, he is a friend who needs help and who approached me for that help. It would mean something to him if I did help him out and I would love to help and I would be really happy to do all I can to see him doing well and get settled in something that interests him. At the same time, I'm so afraid of helping.. Photos! Are you kidding me? I cannot make it. As unbelievable as it may seem to some, considering the photos I always take when I'm bored, I am camera-shy. AND I'm not photogenic.At all. The last thing I need is for his portfolio to get rejected cuz the photos were not good enough.. So I don't know.. Got to respond to him soon.

Exams are approaching.. Too fast.. In four days.. Did i mention how I'm royally screwed? How i need more than 24 hours a day? How i miss everyone in my life? How i miss my life? How every minute spent with people close to me or every opportunity to see someone dear to me means so much? But that doesn't give some people the excuse to allow me to walk right into two cockroaches!! Not funny! June 6th.. Can't wait!!

Reflections..

You know how they say your eyes are the windows to your soul? i never really thought it was possible till today.. Till someone seemed to be able to look right through me by reading my eyes.. Scary? Haha, perhaps, but it's also nice to know somone understands you that well... :)

Stepping into the unknown

Everything seems to be moving so fast. Okay, maybe fast is not the right word, since I kind of saw this coming months back and stuff. But a few months ago it seemed more exciting in a way because everyone was looking forward to it and there was also this part of me that was really curious to know what was in store. But now it feels different.

Now it seems to be moving pretty fast. It's a bit too sudden that I feel lost. It's been dragging on for so long that I was actually convinced that maybe the other party wasn't interested and this whole thing was just dying off and would probably blow over. And now suddenly, this.

I'm actually scared. Scared of how it's going to be, scared of how tongue-tied I would get, scared of the impression I would put across, that usually ends up being one of arrogance.. Scared of rejection. Scared of not being good enough.. Scared of trying.. Scared of what could probably be in store.. Scared of disappointment.. Scared of the 'suddenness' of this whole thing..

I know there is no reason to be disappointed considering the fact that there is no emotions involved and it's a first impression thing. But I guess, after the first screw up, after all the excitement in the family that they built up and all the anticipation, when you realise the other party has no interest in the entire thing, it's disappointing. When you spend months and weeks wondering how it's gonna be, when you build up the curiosity, when you decide you will genuinely give it a shot, when the joy on the faces of those around you makes you want to try harder, you see the other party just come and make a conversation with you for the sake of pleasing their family ONLY, it gets a bit annoying, because your feelings are being toyed with..

I'm really scared. Really really afraid. I already have this feeling that I would somehow screw up by embarrassing myself or just keeping very quiet. On top of that I feel very insecure about this whole thing and my confidence level is really below zero.. I have a strong feeling, my first impression would already be a pretty disappointing one and if the conversation skills are going to be a factor, then that's it, cuz I would be close to non-existent with my silence.

I don't know.. I'm just really scared. I really have a bad feeling about this whole thing and I just feel very very lost. Like I don't know which path to take and whether I'm going to screw up so bad. It's really scary. And I don't know who can help because this is new to anyone. Haiz.

Not funny....

Should I or shouldn't I?
I know doing a certain something would make a certain someone very happy and perhaps surprise that certain someone.. I would like to do it because that certain someone deserves the time but then again my stupid exams seem to sit there like this huge monster not allowing me to budge. i would like to carry out my plan but after that I'd be ridden with a guilty conscience that would refuse to leave me and then that someone will know about it and feel bad cuz i'm feeling bad. Haiz.. Anyway, exams should end in a month. After that, I have more time to plan. :) So for now, I have to bury the temptation to see the look of surprise or shock, whichever.

On the other hand, I'm going to post a scenario. I don't think it's funny and I certainly don't see any humour in it, although some people feel otherwise. Here's the situation. Lets's assume you're on the phone with someone really close to you and dear to you. You call that person using your handphone, so it's your chargeable outgoing minutes. You call that person at around 11.30pm.. You talk to that person till about 1.ooam, after which that person dozes off on the line. And here's the best part.. You know that person has dozed off, yet you call out to that person in the hope of waking that person, which doesn't work. And you doze off as well, without cutting the line! And you wake up at 5.00am, which is like five and a half hours from the time you made the call, to realise your line has been running continuously through the night with two people sleeping at both ends. What would your reaction be? I would be horrified! I don't understand why you think it's funny cuz I don't and I think many others would agree with me. Hmph!

Woman

The Beauty Of A Woman
Author: Ardem

The beauty of a woman
Is not in the clothes she wears,
The figure that she carries,
Or the way she combs her hair.

The beauty of a woman
Must be seen from her eyes,
Because that is the doorway to her heart,
The place where love resides.

The beauty of a woman
Is not a facial mole,
But true beauty in a woman
Is reflected in her soul.

It is the caring she lovingly gives,
The Passion that she shows.
The beauty of a woman with passing years --
only grows and grows.

Friends

I'm in shock about yesterday. Really. Till now. I've never rushed around so much in my life before. It's funny now when i think about how unplanned, how unpredictable, how imprompto, how crazy and how stressful the whole three hours were. All the rushing, all the planning, all the last minute threats to changes in plans thanks to my family, all the snapping and flying tempers resulting from delays to the plans and the thing that affected me most was overlooking the attention the child most dearest to me wanted. For that I feel really bad. But then again everything else was pretty fun in a way.. Seems so crazy now but still worth the effort. Took me away from stuff a while, made a whole lot of difference to the painful emotions felt on Wednesday, and basically I got to meet not one, but two of the people really dear to me in one night, within one hour. See now, that makes it more memorable. And to you, you make me do the weirdest and craziest things I would never imagine myself doing, but somehow it always leaves me smiling.. I don't know how you do it, but I'm really thankful to the differences you have brought about in me, for making me smile, for bringin me out of my shell, for telling me it's alright to trust, for letting me see things differently and most of all, for believing in me.. :)

On a different note, I miss the rest of the nuts I love so dearly.. The gundus who made my life at school so memorable and fun, who made my school days so worthwhile, who were the reasons for me to look forward to each new day with a smile, who have stood by me, listening to me moan and groan, who have taken care of me when the need came, who have picked me up when I was down, who have seen me at my most embarrassing moments, who have surprised me in such pleasant ways.. i miss you all.. and I cannot wait for the exams to be over so that we can catch up... You know who you are..

-I miss the one who didnt't know my existence in class, who mistook my race at the first impression, who actually treats me like a princess, who buys me chocolates and brings me coffee and paddles a canoe to entertain me, who calls to check on me if I'm upset, who understands me so well, and keeps my secrets and pain for me, who constantly tells me to lose weight, who makes me feel intelligent when it comes to technology :), who takes pleasure in suddenly 'abunduning' me, who is a perfect friend, whom i trust with my life...
-I miss the one who approached me in class asking if I were a mutual friend, offering to keep me company because I was alone, who knows all my embarrassing moments, who sits at the benches with me stoning and listening to music, who constantly builds stupid stories around songs which makes it different listening to those songs again, who buys ice-cream allowing me to take a video of her, who loves chocolate the way I do..
-I miss the one who messaged me on friendster eagerly after spotting me at BK, who promptly wishes me on Valentine's Day for reasons other than it being Valentine's day, who patiently listened to me during a phase where I was suicidal, who helped me chase kittens from shops, who knows me so well inside out, whose grandma can't wait to serve me my 'favourite' dish..
-I miss the one who brought a black tee to school cuz she believed our stupid threats, the one who is always so calm and composed, who never fails to make me smile, who called to wish me on my birthday despite being so sick, who always brightens my day with the warm hugs she always gives to her friends..
-I miss the one who kept my drawing for two years to return it to me as a birthday card, whose life always runs parallel to mine, who never judges me no matter what, whom we kidnapped for her birthday, who is the most beautiful person inside out that i have ever come across, the one in whose presence I have embarrassed myself the most, the one from whom I ran ten miles away cuz there was a grasshopper on her head, the one who cried seeing my pain..
-I miss the one who never fails to amuse me, who drew henna patterns with me in geography tutorials, who always gets fascinated with my earrings and helps herself to them while they are on me, who is the cutest dancer I've seen, who loves her friends to death, who would always be there offering a shoulder to those in need, who gets caught in the weirdest situations with members of the public, who plots kidnapping events with me, who takes me for a pedicure with the excuse of buying shampoo from watson's
-I miss the one with whom I had issues from the day we ended up in the same school, who threw crshed up paper at me, who mistakes trees for people, who breaks into a dance routine in the middle of the beach, who amazes me with his dancing, who listens to all my problems and cares so much, who escorted me carefully along the shore cuz i wanted to walk in the water but was scared, who dumps his food on my plate when nobody is looking because he cannot finish it, who has been my superhero throughout predicament or confusion i have faced..
-I miss the one who steals my family from me, who makes my grandparents and mum her own, who wins the hearts of everyone over, who scolds organisers of shows even if she doesn't understand the language they speak, who dances so beautifully, who gets excited when a celebrity remembers her name, who has so much commitment that she turns up for rehearsals blind in one eye, the one who throws herself in the line of fire to protect me, who dried my tears, who would chop up any guy who messes with me..
-I miss the one who calls me his younger sister, who opened my O level result slip for me cuz I was too afraid to do so, who drew pictures of shrek with me, who has become a part of my family, who tells me honestly his opinions on my decisions, who held me when i cried, who stood by me during my problems,who ran across blocks with me to put me safely in a cab before I got hurt, who watches out for me always..
- I miss the one who spent every saturday with me, whom i went shopping for matching belts and shoes with, who was my weekly praying partner, who romantically shared ice creams with me, who would very patiently follow me everywhere to get a dress, who dances like an angel, who would come after school, tired out with assignments that were due, just for dance practises for a last minute performance, who doesnt mind lugging along blankets and notes all over the shopping centre with me..
-I miss the one who has seen me all her life, who looks like an angel, who sings like an angel and who is an absolute angel, who has so much patience in picking shoes for me, who stays over with me, who makes breakfast for me, who has such a kind and generous heart that she touches everyone, who claims she is not sleepy and will wake everyone up if they oversleep, but ends up being the hardest one to wake eventually, who listens to all my problems and supports me..
-I miss the one who is always working, whom we rushed to the airport to see, who has gorgeous eyes, who always helps out for dances, who follows me to put make-up for little kids, who loves chocolates like me, who is such a dear younger sister to all, who comes all the way to my school to pick me up and send me home because she was afraid for my safety..
-I miss the one who is so far away yet so close to my heart, who has the nicest smile ever, who sends me flowers for my birthday, who is always there as an elder sister, ready to listen to your problems and tell you it will all be okay, who plans the craziest ideas for surprises, who drives all her cousins around with no complaints, who is everyone'e role model..
-I miss the one whom i grew up with, who knows me inside out, who is living proof that time and distance are never factors in a beautiful friendship, who gets her mum to run around to get me a present for my birthday because she is not around, who meets me so rarely but time seems to pass by so beautifully even if all we do is have dinner at some void deck, whom i used to run around with since we were seven, whom I have gotten soaked with flour and seawater with, who has stood by me through it all...
-I miss the one who buys me chocolate at every meeting, who comes up with the sweetest phrases with the initials of my name, who cares so much that it's unbelievable, whom i knew eight years back but never spoke to, who comes up with the most unpredictable lines, who doesn't complain one bit for the numerous times where i displayed a lack of punctuality or got held up, who places bets with me over card games, the one who cannot see my cry, the one who never judges me..
-I miss the one who used jogging as an excuse to meet me, who bought me Hershey's and passed it through my brother for my 18th birthday, the one who got us lost at Tampines after the show, who scared the hell out of me at the beach, who used to fight with me to read stuff in my inbox, who kept calling my brother through my O Levels to remind me that I shouldn't bother studying cuz I'm bound to fail, whom I used to look forward to going home with almost every night, who made me smile with the sort of things he said, whose uncle got me stuck in embarrassing situations, the one from whom I learnt how to give unselfishly..
-I miss the one who stayed up at night to talk to me despite a cockroach traumatising her and despite hearing noises, the one who gets so shy talking about her crush, the one who goes crazy over ryan giggs, who calls me her fellow 'mangamma' sister, who has the cheeriest and warmest of smiles, who has offered me so much of support at my lowest points..
- I miss the one who followed me for a movie and sniffled in the theatres with me, who calls to check up on how I am, who has so much affection and warmth in her that it shows, who stoned at my place with me watchin a movie while snackin on drinks and cookies, who gets stopped at the minimart for a mistaken identity, who cares so much that she doesnt mind the time she put aside to offer me comfort and ease my pain..
-I miss the one who is always so bubbly, who shared her thought with me under a tree in the park while the rest played soccer, whom I had a blast dancing with, who showed so much patience while explaining maths to me, who has so much spice in her, who appreciates the little things in life, who stands up for her beliefs and who makes me feel special with the genuinity and efforts she puts in for things..
- I miss the jumping jacksons, who grew up with me, who watched me grow, who have never stopped caring, who always make me feel warm around them, who highly embarrass me during speeches, who offer me support and encouragement all the time, who would always be there, who would always be special, who used to play in the playground with me after school, whom im proud to call my childhood friends...
-I miss the three angels I grew up with in secondary school, the three who saw me laugh, saw me cry,saw me blush, the ones who were my reasons to come to school smiling, the ones who saved up allowance with me every week so we could all splurge it all on friday evenings after CCA, the ones who sing songs about soap with me, the ones with whom i got so freaked out because of a game and the responses received from it, whom I share so many fond memories with, whom i huddled with at school camp watchin shadows across the walls at night, the ones who will always hold a very special place in my heart...

I miss all you guys, you should know who you are.. And every incident in which you guys have stood by me and made a difference to my life.. there are so many things i couldn't have achieved without you guys and I just want you all to know that I love you guys to bits.. we totally got to meet up and spend some time together alright? Can't wait for the 6th of June! Muakz!

The rainbow after the storm

I'm happy today. Much much more compared to yesterday. Yesterday felt like something was missing, the change was difficult to handle. I just wanted to sit down and cry cuz I hated things being that way. So much of coldness and monotonous responses and slight hints of anger. Felt so odd. But now, it's over. Yay! Feel like somebody switched on the light again after a blackout. And it's all thanks to you..

But today, one of my friends seems unhappy. Girl, I don't know what's bothering you but I do know that it's taking quite an effect on you. I wish I could help but I don't know what is wrong. Just know something. That your one of a kind, a real gem, one who brings sunshine into many lives with your attitude and carferee nature and constant laughter. Your a walking bubble who constanly brings cheer all around, so don't ever let anything bring you down.. Not now.. Not when your so close.. Cheer up k. If you want the rainbow, you have to put up with a little rain. If there is a thunderstorm, no matter how dark and gloomy it may seem, the sun will eventually come out. It has to. So just hang in there, love. *hugz*

The little girl with a big heart

I was watching Oprah today.. She discussed issues on death and pain and suffering.. In particular, there was one family who spoke about their 11 year old daughter who was killed in a car accident.. the girl had just walked out the house to take her dog for a walk and she walked out to the road from in between 2 parked cars so the driver of the oncoming vehicle didn't spot her and by the time she did, it was too late. The car hit the child and actually went over her. Her parents heard the commotion and came rushing out to see their daughter badly injured and the lady driver beside the child crying. Her dad was holding her hand and her mum was singin to her softly as the ambulance arrived to take her away.. She started losing her vision in the ambulance as her parents saw her slipping away slowly.. She died in the hospital.. It was very sad the way a very young child with so many dreams and aspirations had her entire future crushed in a second.

But there was something else about this story that was very moving.. Her parents actually came on the show to share their story, to meet with the driver of the vehicle that had snatched their daughter's life away, to let her know that it was alright.. To let her know that she didn't have to feel guilty about causing the little girl's death because to them her spirit lived on and she still lives in them till today.. To let the driver know that everything was okay, so that she could live her life guilt-free.. They told her that they knew their daughter would have wanted them to do this, to put her out of her guilt, to let her know it was alright..

And to add on to this touching story, they handed Oprah a box. It contained the little girl's savings which she had religiously put together with the purpose of helping little kids of Africa who were AIDs victims.. She had, during her short life, put together her lunch money and left over change from shopping to help these kids and had always spoken about how she wanted to do something for them. So her parents offered her savings, together with a cheque payment of ten thousand which they accumulated through donations towards a fund they had set up in their daughter's name to help these kids. The proceeds were addressed to Oprah's Angel network in Africa for kids. Oprah teared and promised she would personally see to it that these proceeds were put to good use, to fulfill the little girl's dying wish.

I was really touched and for a moment felt really ashamed. Here we are complaining that we need to get new jeans, that we need to go shopping for outfits cuz a birthday party is coming up, that we wish we had a car to drive cuz taking the public transport system is so troublesome. And then again is this little girl, half my age, having such a beautiful heart wanting to put aside whatever little she had for lunch money, hoping that it would somehow make some form of difference to other kids. It makes you wonder, how we often neglect the simple things in life and take for granted all the blessings we have and constantly yearn for more while there are people out there with nothing, nothing at all compared to the lives we lead.

It's true that her spirit lives on and she is still around like her parents said, because now through this story, I'm sure she lives in everyone who knew of her or heard of her. Her spirit stays in everyone who stops for a moment to think about the less privileged, who stop to help someone else, who stop a moment to appreciate their lives, who pause for a while to remember the little girl with a big heart.

Bridge to Terabithia

Some lines from Bridge To Terabithia

"He believed her because here in the shadowy light of the stronghold everything seemed possible. Between the two of them they owned the world and no enemy, Gary Fulcher, Wanda Kay Moore, Janice Avery, Jess's own fears and insufficiencies, nor any of the foes whom Leslie imagined attacking Terabithia, could ever really defeat them."


"It was Leslie who had taken him from the cow pasture into Terabithia and turned him into a king. He had thought that was it. Wasn't king the best you could be? Now it occurred to him that perhaps Terabithia was like a castle where you came to be knighted. After you stayed for a while and grew strong you had to move on. For hadn't Leslie, even in Terabithia, tried to push back the walls of his mind and make him see beyond to the shining world—huge and terrible and beautiful and very fragile? (Handle with care—everything—even the predators.) "Now it was time for him to move out. She wasn't there, so he must go for both of them. It was up to him to pay back to the world in beauty and caring what Leslie had loaned him in vision and strength. "As for the terrors ahead—for he did not fool himself that they were all behind him—well, you just have to stand up to your fear and not let it squeeze you white. Right, Leslie? "Right."

A beautiful story on friendship. Leslie and Jesse, two very different individuals, often facing ridicule from their peers find strength in each other and there blossoms a magical friendship between the two misfits. Leslie lures Jesse out of his familiar circle where he finds comfort in his solitude and artwork that he hides from his father who shows no sign of support or encouragement. Jesse learns to overcome his insecurities and fears that constantly haunt himwith the help of Leslie who shows him a different world, a world of hope, a world of fantasy where he rules and makes the decisions- their own magical kingdom away from the rest of the world. Leslie brings jesse out of his world and takes him into her own, but once there, she leaves him stranded and alone, as in an unfortunate accident, she loses her life. Jesse had found comfort in that friend who came out of nowhere and brought him out of his shell, who had broken down the walls he built around him, who taught him to believe in himself and realise that there was hope in everything. Now it was all lost. He would never see her again. Things could never be the same. All that was left was a regret that he didn't follow her the day of the accident when she had called him to follow her to Terabithia. His interest in music seemed more important that day. He could have prevented that accident. She would have still been with him. All that was left was the knowledge that wherever she was, she was watching over him, standing by him, wanting to know that he never lost hope and continued being the changed person he had become....

It's true that even the greatest fantasies can never replace reality but, funny isn't it, how some novels actually display some sort of similarity to certain lives?

Girlish Dreams

Yesterday night I was having this talk about the ideal better half that you formulate ideas and build fantasies about over the years.. It's interesting how we have so many dreams and want so many little details that we like but eventually you tend to settle for the more important and practical qualities instead which puts an end to your fantasies and your desired fairytale and prince charming.. But then again, everyone is entitled to dream a little.. No harm in building dreams and thinking of your perfect prince charming, is there? :) So here goes....

My Perfect Partner

- he should be someone who gets along with everyone, my family, friends, brother, cousins and stuff
- someone whom they will all grow to adore
- someone who thinks of others before himself
- someone unselfish
- someone who adores little kids and who would win all the children over
- someone who is calm and patient enough to put up with my insecurities and emotional side
- someone who is sensitive to my moods and feelings
- someone who loves me more than the world
- someone who would be my world
- someone who would build a warm home with me one day and enjoy every minute of the journey with me
- someone sweet, spontaneous, romantic and charming who would sweep me off my feet with his words
- someone who would be a son to my family, not a son-in-law
- someone whose arms would be the safest and most comforting place in the world to me
- someone whom I cannot do without
- someone who makes me smile
- someone around whom i would feel really shy in a way I wouldn't with anybody else
- someone with eyes that are reflective of his soul in which I should lose myself
- someone whose smile should be the first thing I wake up to each morning
- someone who comes from a close-knit family that I would love to be a part of
- someone who would sacrifice his soccer matches once in a while to be with me even if it's just to watch the stars
- someone who would sit by the beach with me
- someone whose hands fit mine perfectly
- someone who makes me feel magic when he is around
- someone whom I can tell anything to and know for a fact that he would always be there
- someone I get pampered by once in a while
- someone around whom I feel like the princess
- someone I can learn something from and I can teach something to
- someone who brings changes to my life in a way that wouldn't have been possible without him
- someone who completes me
- someone who sings is definitely a bonus :)
- someone whom I can grow old with
- someone whose love for me won't change despite the grey hairs and wrinkles
- someone whom I look forward to coming home to each day
- someone who would refer to me as his girlfriend even after being married for years
- someone who would treasure moments alone with me even if we have kids
- someone whom I go to bed with everynight, wake up to each morning and do everything else in between the day with
- someone so special to me
- the love of my life...

Well, see what I meant by it's alright to dream? Haha, I'm sure this is still a non-exhaustive list since it's based on fantasy but oh wouldn't it just be perfect if it were reality :) .. We shall wait and see...