Stepping into the unknown

Everything seems to be moving so fast. Okay, maybe fast is not the right word, since I kind of saw this coming months back and stuff. But a few months ago it seemed more exciting in a way because everyone was looking forward to it and there was also this part of me that was really curious to know what was in store. But now it feels different.

Now it seems to be moving pretty fast. It's a bit too sudden that I feel lost. It's been dragging on for so long that I was actually convinced that maybe the other party wasn't interested and this whole thing was just dying off and would probably blow over. And now suddenly, this.

I'm actually scared. Scared of how it's going to be, scared of how tongue-tied I would get, scared of the impression I would put across, that usually ends up being one of arrogance.. Scared of rejection. Scared of not being good enough.. Scared of trying.. Scared of what could probably be in store.. Scared of disappointment.. Scared of the 'suddenness' of this whole thing..

I know there is no reason to be disappointed considering the fact that there is no emotions involved and it's a first impression thing. But I guess, after the first screw up, after all the excitement in the family that they built up and all the anticipation, when you realise the other party has no interest in the entire thing, it's disappointing. When you spend months and weeks wondering how it's gonna be, when you build up the curiosity, when you decide you will genuinely give it a shot, when the joy on the faces of those around you makes you want to try harder, you see the other party just come and make a conversation with you for the sake of pleasing their family ONLY, it gets a bit annoying, because your feelings are being toyed with..

I'm really scared. Really really afraid. I already have this feeling that I would somehow screw up by embarrassing myself or just keeping very quiet. On top of that I feel very insecure about this whole thing and my confidence level is really below zero.. I have a strong feeling, my first impression would already be a pretty disappointing one and if the conversation skills are going to be a factor, then that's it, cuz I would be close to non-existent with my silence.

I don't know.. I'm just really scared. I really have a bad feeling about this whole thing and I just feel very very lost. Like I don't know which path to take and whether I'm going to screw up so bad. It's really scary. And I don't know who can help because this is new to anyone. Haiz.