Saying goodbye

Horrid day...

Vaarsha's grandpa passed away this morning.. Early in the morning and we couldn't not go to work.. Had to drop by the office and stay the day there.. That is another story altogether.. My second day at work and I end up stoning most of the day again.. Then just when I thought things couldn't get worse, the manager comes to brief me and give me 'exciting' news.. The company had to start off a new committee to take on the responsibility of ensuring that safety measures in the company and relevant trainings and medical examinations of the staff was properly taken care of.. And I get the responsibilty of approving transfers of workers within departments after confirming that they have completed the requirements.. I almost fell off my chair cuz the responsibility is scary and I'm just temporary and the slightest mistake I make could have serious consequences.. I'm really not liking the sound of it.. I so much rather do filing or something like that.. Haiz.. My luck is always against me.. I don't even know anything about environmental health and safety.. Haha.. Oh well..

On a more serious note, we went for the funeral after work.. I really don't like going for funerals as I get very very uncomfortable and restless and go very quiet.. I haven't really gone for any after my Dad.. I did go, for my friends when I knew it might make a difference, but it took a lot to go.. Cuz everything comes back and I'm scared to go through those emotions.. I haven't been in the midst of a funeral after my Dad.. The only two funerals I have attended in the last 5 years, was cuz I felt I really had to and even then, I left quickly.. Today was different.. On one hand, it was sad, cuz he was a really nice man.. I don't really know him well and have never really spoken to him but I do know enough to conclude how nice he can be.. The way he took his gold chain and gave to his granddaughter a few days ago telling her how he had a feeling he wouldn't be around to see her wedding and that he wanted her to use the chain.. That was really touching.. And to make matters worse, his wife only arrived tonight from a holiday, oblivious to what was awaiting her at home.. That must have been absolutley painful.. I didn't know what I could say to my aunty to console her seeing her Dad lying in the coffin.. Knowing only too well what would be running through her mind and watching her fight to be strong was just bringing everything back.. I went to wait under the block as I knew it would get harder to wait around.. I didn't want to go back in when they started chanting the prayers as I knew I wasn't ready.. I kept myself outside until my grandma needed me to get her bag for her.. I was just hoping she wouldn't ask me to go in.. But my aunty asked me if I could and at that moment, I couldn't say 'no' to her and so I went.. The chanting and the people and the smoke... It all came back.. The familiar prayers and stuff.. I quickly left but it was already hard.. Only Neelu, thankfully noticed the change in me and my movements after coming out of the house.. The rest were too distracted to notice.. I don't know what I would have told them if they had asked me.. Have to go back for the funeral tomorrow.. It's such a pity that a really nice soul like him had to be taken away but we do get comfort from the fact that he is in a better place now and rid of all his pain once and for all.. Whatever it is, I pray that everyone has the courage and strength tomorrow to go through the whole procedure.. It is never easy but it helps when you start believing that somewhere in someway, they still remain with us.. Some part of them still lingers around us.. And Acha, I know you are around as well.. In some way, I still feel you around.. And for that, I'm thankful :)