A solemn entry

It's Vaarsha darling's birthday today! Got her a set of books from the Mr. Midnight series.. Hope she hasn't read these yet.. Wanted so badly to get her the Mallory Towers series that I read and loved while growing up but somehow it's so difficult to find nowadays.. Wasted.. Oh well, let's see if I come across them somewhere.. Got to follow aunty to JB for a bit and then visit Vaarsha in the evening.. It's going to be another long day today...

Yesterday at dance class, the topic of conforming to society's views and stereotypes came up and started a heated dicussion between a student and the teacher as they both stated their opinions on why they felt it's more important to live for yourself and stuff cuz society always has something to say.. Then the conversation moved to the topic of death and ceremonies as the guy in class started telling us how the people around them started giving his mother disapproving looks and making comments regarding the way she still carried on wearing coloured outfits and flowers in her hair and bangles and 'pottu' and stuff despite the fact that her husband recently passed on.. He was saying how he refused having his mum be stripped of all these things and that those ornaments and stuff were a symbol his dad left behind for her and there is no reason she should lose them all to conform to society's liking and beliefs.. He rather have her keep them in memory of his dad.. All this got me thinking to 5 years ago.. The same situation.. My mum was only 40 then.. Too young to lose her husband.. It's really sad when you live with someone for 20 or so years and suddenly one day they are no longer there.. That itself is hard enough.. I think it's extremely painful putting them through worse agony by removing all the pretty things from them that they used to always adorn on themselves.. I don't think I could have handled seeing that happen on top of all the rest of the things that happened that day.. We wouldn't want to ever put her through such a situation nor exclude her from any events because she lost her husband.. Some people are particular and I remember how I got so annoyed when at some function they didn't let her carry out the rights because of her situation which was considered inauspicious.. I guess it all boils down to individual thinking and how each person sees it..

But somehow, yesterday's class brought it all back.. That one night 5 years ago..I still remember so clearly walking into that room, seeing my uncle as he refused to look me in the eye, my grandma shaking my dad, the ambulance arriving and my uncle trying to hide the news from us.. It's all still so fresh.. All trying hard not to break down for fear of causing the rest to break as well.. The relatives pouring in and sobbing.. How I refused to leave my room all day, refused to go near the coffin, refused to look till they needed me to be there for the rights.. How the tears just wouldn't stop.. How the casket company guy kept insisting my mum and I say something to my dad before he closed the coffin telling us we'd never see him again.. How so many unknown people just kept coming and holding me telling me it'd be okay.. It wouldn't.. It would never go back to how it used to be.. We would never see him again.. We would never have the same sunday afternoons where he would cook and call everyone over for lunch.. I would never have someone who would sleep on the sofa instead of the room just so he can keep me company while I studied, who would wake up in the mornings to make me a drink cuz he sensed I was tired.. I would never have someone who would wake up so much earlier to cook for a school event for me when my mum got annoyed that I agreed to cook for school in the first place.. I would never have someone who would iron my uniform for me cuz he knew I was lazy and my mum only decided to iron for my brother cuz he was younger.. I would never have someone to stand up for me saying I should be independent and be allowed to go out and learn to stand up for myself.. I would never have someone who would buy me a necklace off the counter just because I said i liked it.. Someone who would have done anything for me..Someone who would rush home from work on the day of my performance so he can dress me and do my hair and stuff.. Someone who would wait outside school for a good three hours cuz he didn't know what time I would end and had no means of contacting me.. Someone who would scold me for spending unnecessarily but would also check my wallet every morning before he left for work and top up the cash inside.. Someone who would never force me to do anything against my will.. Someone who was so generous with everything he had and who always believed in giving.. Someone who used to love having visitors and whom my friends loved being around cuz of the way he joked with them and told them ghost stories.. Someone who loved me more than anything else in the world.. Someone who saw me as his little princess.. Someone who can never be replaced.. How would things ever be the same? It's been about 5 years.. Will be 5 in August.. But it still feels like yesterday.. The regrets still affect me.. The things I should have done still haunt me.. It always will I suppose..

Oh well... Life has to go on.. Things will change.. And you have to accept them I suppose.. There is no other way...